Checking if your still there

What the hell have I been doing beside doing the most important thing that I enjoy doing , I can't answer that seriously but I don't know how I could have let the pages go blank as the days go by . I am writing always in my notebooks that I have , which is alot bytheway . Mainly the things that I'm thinking over these days is what I actually have done to get where I am right now , everyday thinking and hoping that soon I'll forget them and surely move on because it's not helping me at all . Some say that your past becomes my future and I really hope that doesn't happen because it's the past and I don't want to keep repeating something that I have done over and over . All I know is that I have been making myself suffer more then anything and I need to stand up , fighting for what I want . I'm still here more or less .