just another set back

i'm sick and seriously yesterday i felt like writing but never did.
now i'm stuck that i can barely breathe in my own skin.
i don't feel good.

will never be as easy.

usually when i get mad, i just forget it so that i won't remember what it is like to have that feeling so i let it go, i don't ever want a heavy heart for that kind of nonsense - but for now, i just keep it hidden inside me and i don't show that side of me, filled with hatred or just jealously of anything that is bothering me and so it boils up for sure that it will soon explode. i wish that it was that easy to have a simple but pleasant mind so i wouldn't think of such things, but i'm not close to perfect though i wish i took that path. know all i want to do, is to let it go and don't let it get to me so it won't ruin my moods. i have my curious mind to thank. for the longest time i can remember i see myself as a nosy person(or say people would say) not really butting into people personal lives, but i would just like to hear their stories but of course people will always have a few things that they can't reveal. same as me, but i do have a few people that i just want burst out my feelings on to them and i feel so free so i know that i'm not the only know that knows how i feel. so my hate and jealously still is inside me but i won't let it bother me because i know that it will eventually go away and hopefully it will go soon. i'm not weak for knowing how i feel but i can't express to it anyone, it's just that i don't have that kind of trust to the people that surround me. one day i will have that trust for people once again, just don't think it will happen anytime soon. oh i wish that someone knew what was really bothering me so i won't pretend to be happy or just put that smile on my face.
- hate the fact that i'm not how i use to be.
each day i would like to read and learn from the good book but i just have that guilt in my heart that won't go away for i know that i still have those thoughts in my head. the things that i have hated over these many years that minor but yet very impacting things that i simply can't let go but hopefully and surely they will. i want to be that person that i use to be but i know honestly that i will never return to that person and it hurts to accept it because i have grew up so much that it's silly to even think that i could return but i know that i could become a much better person for i know that i am happy that i have gotten this far with who i am. just wish other people who i really was. then they wouldn't question.