Everyday is a little bit different then yesterday and of course tomorrow. But you really never know what is going to be different. I always wanted to just see what exactly is different but that is too much time spent on something that won't matter the next day. But maybe how I felt that moment does count.
Lately I haven't been writing as much I could be, instead been trying to live every day as I would like to with studying, working and just living day to day being myself and find it to be very comforting.
Little by little, I see myself becoming the person that I been writing about for many years finally coming true and it is an amazing feeling.

Lately.

I've been reading more then writing and it isn't so bad, at least I'm doing something. No more strange, weird, freighting dreams, well that I know of. My hair is finally growing and if you read from anywhere else is that I hate having short hair but when I try growing it out it doesn't look good like how I wanted it so I cut it then it keep repeating its self, and now it's slowly starting to grow so trying my best to not cut. I'm feeling more at peace with my surroundings, getting settled in and sure I'm not going anywhere any time soon.
To put it short, I'm a freelance photographer, writing, promoter and recently became a partner for a couple of clothing lines and it is just getting better and better. I'd like to get more involved with clothing and the art of designing, seeing where that takes me. I would like to stick with one things at a time but this just makes it more fun, designing while writing a piece for a music label what could be better?
Over the past few months I have met so many wonderful people, the way they live, how they live and what they think of everything to anything and I can't help but enjoy it. And makes my life more interesting then staying home on a Friday with a bag of sadpityandlonelynight.
More or less, everyday is just amazing and can't help but smile.

it keeps coming back

the problems that i would usually have come around the same way.
maybe it's something inside myself that hasn't moved on.
a part that will never leave me no matter how bad i want it to go.
is it suppose to stay around so one day i'll be strong enough to beat it?
whenever i don't feel like myself, it comes back,
i don't understand and i wish i did so i wouldn't be so confused...you know?
what i do is i forget it, just keep going with my life....
maybe that is why it always come back, and worse then before.
lets just say that one day i'll fix the problems and finally move on.
i can do it.

dreams.dreams.dreams.

zombies.
strangers following me.
running away from people.
getting shot.
car crashes.
getting eaten by birds.
kidnapped.
trapped.
loved ones dying.
not being happy.
suffering.

it's so worth it

Like I always wonder, having that silly grin on my face if that face actually makes people smile, or just filled them with joy. I know people always tell me it's amazing to see such a smile, so pure and bright but really does it make you smile? I honestly don't see it like that. I smile because i'm happy, content mainly. I am satisfied and truly grateful, that is more then enough to smile.

I need to start over again

I really need to keep up with the things that I really want to do, like with reading all these years I haven't been writing everyday like i said i would. I don't feel like myself when i'm not writing, drawing or doing anything that i have been enjoying over the years. Maybe it's just me that is changing and it scares me. I know something is wrong, but i just don't know what that is. I think it always help to have someone to talk to about, i already see a different side of it when i talk with someone makes my thoughts more clear. Not being alone in this makes me want to write even more then i usually did, i want to keep going because i love it. Not starting over, maybe just picking it up again.

I'll get over it

I always do. Every time i put something out there that is part of me, it somehow get worse as time passes no matter how hard or the best i'm doing. Maybe it's just bad luck i have with feelings that i can't share because i still have trouble revealing them. When I do, I end up getting hurt then the last time I put myself out there. I guess i'll never learn until it really hits me, or maybe it has but i'm always over it. It's not that I move on quickly it's just why waste my time on something that i can't have anymore..

oh lets get it done.

i need to take more pictures.

again, once more.

these days there isn't much joy in myself to do pretty much anything but i got a new journal and decided to write again but this time with maybe for fun in it that instead of writing what or how i'm feeling that i think of memories and i write them down then do what i did that time, so it'll be fun to read it. I have so many journals and i love reading them over and over, how i felt and what i was going through. and i'm drawing, designing again. this will be fun.

For us, it's love.

Yes, you are the one for me.
I know this now for sure.
And I never want to let you go.
I need this.
I want this.
I love this.
You are my happiness.
My one and only.
You make me smile.
You make my heart warm.
You'd be something i'm good at.
You're the only one that feels like home.
they don't love you like I love you
So please stay with me.
I love you dearly.
(one day i'll feel like this)

one day at a time

as the seconds, minutes, and hours pass there isn't a moment where i don't think back reminding myself that i can do what i've been doing all this time and that is to be happy. though, it has been ever so hard because i have been struggling once again to find myself and stay true to that. it has become easy but yet it is hard to keep it up, i'll be happier each day comes and goes. i need to make myself happy, i truly want this. for you, for me, us.

thinking too much

i'll stop once and for all.
maybe i'll stop caring.
yes that's it.

I'M SO CONFUSED...

don't worry about a thing

i will love you and love you.

i can't remember when

the times that i couldn't thing of one bad thing.
now that is all i can think about yet nothing.
i know there is always good around the corner.
maybe it's just me, that i'm not strong enough.
weak to even handle myself or others that are close.
i can't change the fact that i'm too scared to live.
of course, one day at the time and i'll be able to.
hoping that day is very close because i'm starting to lose.

same person i am

i can smile everyday.
i still cry but only to my shadow.
i can laugh like i use to.
i want to learn how to speak french.
i still enjoying longboarding.
i want to see you one more time.
i'm learning how to draw.
and every night i dream of you.

times that I thought different

never did i think that i could have my mind and thought changed so quickly that i was shocked and couldn't believe it but yes, i couldn't write for the longest time and i had no idea what to do so instead of slowly taking it day by day i just wrote still but when i got done my writing didn't sound like me at all, basically like i was lying to myself for something that wasn't there. yet i am back again and i take it one day at a time because really that is all i need and so far it has been just grand to spend just a few moments writing how i felt on something close to my heart. i honestly don't want to change what i think or how i feel about every single thing but the truth is that i will always be changing, i can't accept that fact.

what is wrong with me?

Why bother sticking around when I'm not happy .

Its for the good

I haven't been able to write one decent thing for weeks and I honesty don't know what to thnk of that . When I have a problem or situation that I can't solve , I would ride it down and let it affect me in any way well many things have happened. Starting to think that they are all starting to affect me now and I'm finally realizing that so I stopped writing and switch to a different way to express myself and that is drawing . I'm fine really , slowly getting back up .

Checking if your still there

What the hell have I been doing beside doing the most important thing that I enjoy doing , I can't answer that seriously but I don't know how I could have let the pages go blank as the days go by . I am writing always in my notebooks that I have , which is alot bytheway . Mainly the things that I'm thinking over these days is what I actually have done to get where I am right now , everyday thinking and hoping that soon I'll forget them and surely move on because it's not helping me at all . Some say that your past becomes my future and I really hope that doesn't happen because it's the past and I don't want to keep repeating something that I have done over and over . All I know is that I have been making myself suffer more then anything and I need to stand up , fighting for what I want . I'm still here more or less .

just another set back

i'm sick and seriously yesterday i felt like writing but never did.
now i'm stuck that i can barely breathe in my own skin.
i don't feel good.

will never be as easy.

usually when i get mad, i just forget it so that i won't remember what it is like to have that feeling so i let it go, i don't ever want a heavy heart for that kind of nonsense - but for now, i just keep it hidden inside me and i don't show that side of me, filled with hatred or just jealously of anything that is bothering me and so it boils up for sure that it will soon explode. i wish that it was that easy to have a simple but pleasant mind so i wouldn't think of such things, but i'm not close to perfect though i wish i took that path. know all i want to do, is to let it go and don't let it get to me so it won't ruin my moods. i have my curious mind to thank. for the longest time i can remember i see myself as a nosy person(or say people would say) not really butting into people personal lives, but i would just like to hear their stories but of course people will always have a few things that they can't reveal. same as me, but i do have a few people that i just want burst out my feelings on to them and i feel so free so i know that i'm not the only know that knows how i feel. so my hate and jealously still is inside me but i won't let it bother me because i know that it will eventually go away and hopefully it will go soon. i'm not weak for knowing how i feel but i can't express to it anyone, it's just that i don't have that kind of trust to the people that surround me. one day i will have that trust for people once again, just don't think it will happen anytime soon. oh i wish that someone knew what was really bothering me so i won't pretend to be happy or just put that smile on my face.
- hate the fact that i'm not how i use to be.
each day i would like to read and learn from the good book but i just have that guilt in my heart that won't go away for i know that i still have those thoughts in my head. the things that i have hated over these many years that minor but yet very impacting things that i simply can't let go but hopefully and surely they will. i want to be that person that i use to be but i know honestly that i will never return to that person and it hurts to accept it because i have grew up so much that it's silly to even think that i could return but i know that i could become a much better person for i know that i am happy that i have gotten this far with who i am. just wish other people who i really was. then they wouldn't question.

i thought it was good

the times that i laugh and cry are just those feelings that i let out so easily. i was never the person that had an ounce of angry or frustrated, but that is lately what i see. i just want to get away and be that person how i use to be, i still remember.

new friends
naps
ramen noodles
hugs
fuji water
writing whats in my heart is a struggle
showing my emotions is yet to come
lames jokes
hujan
alone time is my time
skateboarding
nail polish
deep conversations
phone calls

yet i tend i get lonely

when i have my happy moments, not really to the point where there is no room for anything except that such joy but i do feel a bit sad that somewhere inside me isn't right and honestly don't know what to do with it. i have tried many things to get it out or at least figure out what it is, yet it lingers and just stays. i know it isn't guilty or regret but it just somewhat lonely where i can't be fully happy, where i don't want to be around people but my journal, and me being somewhere alone and just nonstop writing. someday i'll figure it out.

just another wish

Music just has a way of making everything better. Now wish I knew how to sing, then I would never stop for music just makes me happy and think of a better day.

just a random thought

I wonder when people actually decide to change their life...when they don't want to suffer or what...so confused about what people think about things. what do they really think about when they are asked a question, or how they respond with a question instead of an answer. how deep does one person think.

never the same as the last.

Once in a great awhile people come into life that just makes you hope for a better tomorrow, putting a smile on your face, just thinking of them makes you fill up on joy and such excitement of the future. For myself I am slowly but surely reaching to that point of happiness. In good and bad times I have that person to keep that smile on my face, finding a way to make a deeper kind of love. You just are so use to their love, how they make you feel that you can't help but to share it and keep it growing, that is how I feel when I feel for the people I care about I always want to keep giving it. It's the people that make you want to do better for yourself, getting what you want out of life that makes you want to do your best that is worth sticking around for them to see you grow into the person you see yourself to be. I'm happy to have a person that cares for me in such a way that I yet to see what they see in me, making me feel content that I can't do for myself. I want to grow and truly making something of us for us, I don't want to waste the time that I have been giving on something that won't last long enough for me to enjoy. When people come into your life simply like this then you should do what makes you happy, because I am happy to have something close like this in my life, and it only gets better. I know I'm happy because I can wake up and just smile for no reason at all. I'm happy.
- In short, I love you.

my guilty pleasures

cute little face symbols
rain on my face
longboard
little giraffe i call greg
smell of tide on fresh clean clothes
adorable little brown girl
deep conversations
flaming hot cheetos with lime
smiling faces
hot tasty yummy noodles
cold fuji water
354922384
SALT LAKE CITY
my past notes
licking rocks
regina spektor
cheesy words
dashboard confessional
feather pillows
babies
polaroid pictures
reading books
he keeps my heart warm
walking to random places

thoughts in a journal

as i walk through town i see what i should have, could have done if i was here at the moments it happened, feeling not sad nor guilty just full of regrets that i carry with me, how i was feeling and of course what was the outcome of the decisions i make or what i didn't take affects me. i know i shouldn't live with my regrets but i wasn't truly living my life how i wanted to or i didn't get to choose. in the end it all came back to me and i was the only one suffering because it was my choice to let it go on and slowly, slowly i began to suffer more.

so far, so good.

Since I last blog'd things have been interesting day after day.
In truth I'm happy. Gotta keep healthy, lacking that. :j

not myself sometimes

Will I ever be the person I have been longing to be if I'm sad?

still i won't give up

mostly the things i love do will slowly fade from me.
the things that i thought meant so much to me, don't anymore.
i tried my best hoping for the good of it but it never came.
i'm suffering yet i won't dare stop my heart from hurting.
i begin to wonder if i'm too weak to handle anything?
will i keep trying my best and get nothing in return
i don't want to be that person, still i don't do anything bout it.
my smile will eventually turn upside down.
that pain will be there in my heart once again.

a wee bit of an update

- January was very extreme, very fast.
- February is just the same, but harder.

these past weeks have been beyond words i can express.
i cut my hair, and i feel more like myself.
i fallen in love, more then i can imagine.
silly thing to say now but i am happy.

Just another day realizing

that i am that kind of girl that does want true happiness for herself before she goes off and try getting other people happy, sure she will be happy for that person but when that person is gone....where is her happiness...just left with that person. doesn't matter what it is, makes you happy, do it. i'm into the simple things that make me grin with joy and excitement. likes writing alone and singing to myself.


- After doing so many different roles, if you don't stretch yourself, there's no excitement left.