what is wrong with me?

Why bother sticking around when I'm not happy .

Its for the good

I haven't been able to write one decent thing for weeks and I honesty don't know what to thnk of that . When I have a problem or situation that I can't solve , I would ride it down and let it affect me in any way well many things have happened. Starting to think that they are all starting to affect me now and I'm finally realizing that so I stopped writing and switch to a different way to express myself and that is drawing . I'm fine really , slowly getting back up .

Checking if your still there

What the hell have I been doing beside doing the most important thing that I enjoy doing , I can't answer that seriously but I don't know how I could have let the pages go blank as the days go by . I am writing always in my notebooks that I have , which is alot bytheway . Mainly the things that I'm thinking over these days is what I actually have done to get where I am right now , everyday thinking and hoping that soon I'll forget them and surely move on because it's not helping me at all . Some say that your past becomes my future and I really hope that doesn't happen because it's the past and I don't want to keep repeating something that I have done over and over . All I know is that I have been making myself suffer more then anything and I need to stand up , fighting for what I want . I'm still here more or less .

just another set back

i'm sick and seriously yesterday i felt like writing but never did.
now i'm stuck that i can barely breathe in my own skin.
i don't feel good.

will never be as easy.

usually when i get mad, i just forget it so that i won't remember what it is like to have that feeling so i let it go, i don't ever want a heavy heart for that kind of nonsense - but for now, i just keep it hidden inside me and i don't show that side of me, filled with hatred or just jealously of anything that is bothering me and so it boils up for sure that it will soon explode. i wish that it was that easy to have a simple but pleasant mind so i wouldn't think of such things, but i'm not close to perfect though i wish i took that path. know all i want to do, is to let it go and don't let it get to me so it won't ruin my moods. i have my curious mind to thank. for the longest time i can remember i see myself as a nosy person(or say people would say) not really butting into people personal lives, but i would just like to hear their stories but of course people will always have a few things that they can't reveal. same as me, but i do have a few people that i just want burst out my feelings on to them and i feel so free so i know that i'm not the only know that knows how i feel. so my hate and jealously still is inside me but i won't let it bother me because i know that it will eventually go away and hopefully it will go soon. i'm not weak for knowing how i feel but i can't express to it anyone, it's just that i don't have that kind of trust to the people that surround me. one day i will have that trust for people once again, just don't think it will happen anytime soon. oh i wish that someone knew what was really bothering me so i won't pretend to be happy or just put that smile on my face.
- hate the fact that i'm not how i use to be.
each day i would like to read and learn from the good book but i just have that guilt in my heart that won't go away for i know that i still have those thoughts in my head. the things that i have hated over these many years that minor but yet very impacting things that i simply can't let go but hopefully and surely they will. i want to be that person that i use to be but i know honestly that i will never return to that person and it hurts to accept it because i have grew up so much that it's silly to even think that i could return but i know that i could become a much better person for i know that i am happy that i have gotten this far with who i am. just wish other people who i really was. then they wouldn't question.

i thought it was good

the times that i laugh and cry are just those feelings that i let out so easily. i was never the person that had an ounce of angry or frustrated, but that is lately what i see. i just want to get away and be that person how i use to be, i still remember.

new friends
naps
ramen noodles
hugs
fuji water
writing whats in my heart is a struggle
showing my emotions is yet to come
lames jokes
hujan
alone time is my time
skateboarding
nail polish
deep conversations
phone calls

yet i tend i get lonely

when i have my happy moments, not really to the point where there is no room for anything except that such joy but i do feel a bit sad that somewhere inside me isn't right and honestly don't know what to do with it. i have tried many things to get it out or at least figure out what it is, yet it lingers and just stays. i know it isn't guilty or regret but it just somewhat lonely where i can't be fully happy, where i don't want to be around people but my journal, and me being somewhere alone and just nonstop writing. someday i'll figure it out.